Would that I could.

FM is pretty decent quality and is more than adequate for most purposes. However, it is increasingly possible to go for better qualities at low cost.

I wouldn’t worry about feeling stuffy and priggish. I forget its name, but there has been a study that shows that in most cases people want to act, but won’t make the first move. A hobbledehoy (note to self: make more use of the word ‘hobbledehoy) started playing something on their mobile on the top of a bus at six o’clock in the evening on the Strand. A bus full of pointed stares rapidly put them off the idea.

Generally, they will stop playing their infernal music if asked nicely; rudeness doesn’t work. Unfortunately, some people try rudeness straight off the bat, and this makes the problem worse by reinforcing the in-group.

If this fails, I fear you must resort to the nuclear option. You must acquire a mobile phone capable of playing music on its speaker, and then load it with some choice pieces of music. I would recommend Schoenberg’s String Quartet Number Four or Grieg’s Piano Sonata in E minor. Ask them if you mind if you play your music, and then, as Soulja Boy would say, ‘Crank Dat’.

The question is, though, what one should do about them. I find that asking them in a polite but firm tone to desist from polluting our space is a surprisingly effective way of getting them to stop; however, it can make one feel somewhat stuffy and priggish. Any advice on the matter?